A letter to Minneapolis

Disclaimer: I do like Minneapolis, or parts of it anyway, when its not subzero temperatures outside and there's stuff going on. Its a lovely city that can be quite entertaining. I just get frustrated at things like this. Anyway.... to continue. Eh-hem..

Dear Minneapolis,

What kind of city are you?! All I had to do was run into my office downtown for a half hour meeting with Boss. I didn't want to waste my money on your ever-so-expensive-during-the-weekdays and super-sketchy parking ramps, so I do what any normal, money conscious person would do - park at a meter. I gave your damn meter ALL the quarters I had left so I wouldn't have to worry about time, and guess what I found when I came back out? Three minutes left on the meter and A FUCKING TOWED CAR!

So I call your silly 311 number, and in as calm of a voice that I could have possibly mustered at the time, tell the lady that my car was towed with time still on the meter.

"Is it a red meter?" she asks.

"No, its gray, just like every other meter," I replied, trying to think of ever seeing a red meter. "There's a big sign that says no parking from 10pm to 6am [[it was 4:20 a this point, roughly]] and nothing else."

"Well we don't tow cars with time left on the meter."

Clearly, you do. There was also three or four other cars when I parked, which was at about 3:45pm, all of which were now gone.

"Well you can go to the impound lot and see if its there," she replies.

Where is the impound lot? Oh, 1.5 miles from where I was standing at that moment in God-knows-what direction.

And, as a side note, Minneapolis, you are the worst labeled city EVER. Last summer when I worked in your downtown, I could wander around for blocks before I saw a street sign that could tell me remotely where I was. And you don't have mountains like Denver so I don't even know if I'm facing east south northwest up down or what!

Anyway, going back to my story. I go back to the meter and examine it, and find, hidden on the bottom of the meter a tiny 2x1 inch sticker that reads "No parking 4pm-6pm."

WHAT THE FUCK! WHY would you overshadow such important information with a gigantic shiny sign that says you can't park there overnight!!! And remember, I'm ADD, I get distracted by shiny things and therefore I was staring at the shiny dont-park-here-overnight sign and NOT the little, faded, difficult-to-notice sticker that was hidden in its shadow.

Since I wasn't exactly sure I had the money to bail myself out in my checking account, I call Mommy, cursing and crying over the phone at your inability to properly label your parking meters as a passive-aggressive means to swindle money out of me because Pawlenty took all yours with his failing economic policies. (Different tale...)

She laughs at me, puts on the whole loving mother act and tells me to wait downtown and she'll come get my car for me, take me out to dinner, give me a bandaid for the mental boo-boo this has made on me and that everything will be okaaaay.

Fine. Welp, Mommy couldn't leave work for another hour and doesn't work downtown, so I am currently sitting outside a Panera, hacking their wireless without purchasing any of their food because I can't afford it, pouting over my cancelled plans with friends because I won't get home in time to meet up with them because my car is in your fucking impound lot, and waiting impatiently for Mommy.

Oh, and I think there's splinters in my butt from this bench.

So, Minneapolis, yet another reason I'm excited to leave you for Denver. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but I just can't be with a city that swindles me for money so passive-aggresively and poorly labels everything within its boundaries.

NO love,

Adrienne

Update: Mommy informed me she laughed because when I called her all hysterical and crying and telling her I had a problem, she thought I'd gotten in an accident or got a DUI or something and was actually relieved it was only a car towing.

Second update: They gave me a fucking parking ticket! Now my absolutely PERFECT driving record is dented by this SMUT! AAAAHHH!!!!!!! (perfect insurance record I mean, so that accident from 5 1/2 years ago doesn't count anymore)