Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I need to know, which is worse?
Last spring, a friend of mine was telling me about how him and another guy (whom I actually didn't know at the time) went to Fort Collins for the weekend and when they got back, realized this other guy forgot his phone. It would be another few days before he could go get it (since FoCo is like an hour drive from Denver at least) so my friend goes on to Craigslist and under the "adults" section makes an entry that resembles this:
"13-year old girl looking for older man. Well-endowed men only, must send photo. Text to 123-456-7890." (that pretend number being his buddy's number whose phone was still in FoCo).
Lets just say he got a lot of responses.
This happened to one of my buddies earlier this summer. One of his frat bros decides to go on Craigslist and make an ad that was along the lines of this:
"Free Twilight premier tickets! Call or text 123-456-7890!"
Yeah, he had like a thousand voicemails.
I would like to know two things:
Firstly, which of these two is worse?
Secondly, anybody have a better one? I will update this post and add yours in if I get good ones!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
List of Shit to Do that I'm trying very very hard to accomplish but probably won't because I am an epic fail
Let's see if this shit can get done...
Adrienne's Shit To Do List
(because I need help remembering...so help me, readers! I'm counting on you for survival!)
1) Pack......um ok, I'll delay this one like the professional procastinator in which I am.
The real numba 1) Oil change for my car. Welp, I have an appointment. I even printed a coupon that's includes oil change and tire rotation for $23.99 at Tires Plus which is cheaper than the last time I did it which was about four years ago and I paid $45 for just an oil change. I know Momma took my car in when I was at school once so its not like the oil's never been changed for four years, I just never accomplish shit and Momma knows that. But I plan to just get stoned first which always makes time pass by quicker.... I mean ice cream. Ice cream makes time pass by quicker.
2) Eye doctors appointment. Momma's only been telling me all summer that I need to make an appointment and finally got the last one available which means I have to go to work earlier so I can leave earlier and I hate mornings more than life itself so I may only be like 15 minutes late. Whoopsies in advance.
3) Pack. Motherfuuuuckerrrrrr the WORST task of 'em all. Also considering I have more clothes than TJ Maxx this task really will suck its own balls.
4) Barry, Kentucky, where I am being dragged for my last weekend of summer for some family stuff which I really wouldn't mind but we have to drive back to Minnesota afterwards because my great aunt who is already there won't fly so basically I'm riding down with my parents and aunt to pick her up so I'll be squeezed in the back seat with my two aunts for 14-hours then have a day off before I have to drive all the way to Denver with just my dad and a car load of shit. That is if I get remember this oil change appointment because otherwise my car probably won't make it which would be a tragedy.
5) Pack. GODDAMNIT I KEEP FORGETTING!
6) Clean up my desk. I've been habitating in this same desk for roughly 4o-hours a week all summer and have collected a plethora of items, including Twins bobblehead, random pictures I printed off facebook of my friends and I having fun and at cool places like Red Rocks, AP Stylebook (aka the BIBLE if you work in PR or Journalism) and a bunch of papers that now that I am looking at them are completely unorganized and I might just dump in the recycling bin. But then again I might accidentally throw away something important like a paycheck or the hard copy of this Shit To Do List.
7) Happy Hour! Turns out my co-workers actually like me enough to throw me a farewell fiesta at Chevy's patio during Happy Hour tomorrow after work! And the best part is Momma works down the street so I've already arranged a DD! Woohoo for plans to get drunk before 6pm!
Another 7) I say 7 again because right after happy hour my mom and I are going to some event downtown that I already forget exactly what it is but it involves free food therefore I'm totally down.
8) Pack. FUCK.
9) Dentist appointment on my one day off between Barry and Denver. Dentist = Devil because no matter how much I floss (once or twice a month, or after eating corn on the cob) its never ever ever good enough :(
10) Get work done. Instead of blogging my Shit To Do List. I kind of have it written down, but I feel like sharing it with you all because if I do forget something I can blog "Hey, what was it I have to do again?" and you can be like "Adrienne, PACK DAMMIT!" and I can be like "FUCK I really should get on that before Monday night rolls around and I have absolutely nothing together." Which will probably end up happening. Ooooh welp.
Update: One last thing: obsessively compulsively check my email/bank account to see if I got Phish fall tour tickets and this pre-order request thingy worked! AHHH!!!!!
Monday, August 23, 2010
I have been dating the same man for almost two years.
I have two jobs that I work Monday-Friday so my only free time is on the weekends or a few hours after my last job ends.
I have never met his family (even though they live in the same metro area). I've never been invited to any family functions or to join him after I get off work if he is out with his friends.
He will not tell me where he lives and has only stayed overnight at my apartment a handful of times.
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We have never been on a real date but rather we always meet at a designated place.
I have teased him about having a wife and his comment to me is that I must think very poorly of him if I think he would cheat on a spouse.
He tells me he loves me often.
I am not a young, naive woman!
I know that he is hiding something and it's just driving me crazy to know the real story! I have finally given him the boot and am sticking to my guns about taking him back for the millionth time!
How do I get him to fess up?
He's an attorney so he is very good at evading questions and chooses his words carefully. I could never win an argument with him and never even tried — it wasn't worth the frustration!
— Wants to Know
Here is my response:
Dear Wants to Know,
You suck. Seriously, you put up with this bullshit for two years? It really doesn't sound like you're dating at all. Normal couples tell each other where they live and do things like go on dates. I'm pretty sure the progression of relationships are 1) date 2) relationship. If you've never gone on a date, you're not in a relationship.
He probably does have a wife. He probably has like 7 kids too and his wife's probably smokin' hot with gigantic boobs and plastic surgeried face (if he's a lawyer he probably can afford that shit). If he's banging you (probably all he wants, sorry toots) then she's probably prude and he needs his fix of sex.
There's also the other option that he doesn't have a family but is ashamed because he's really a serial killer and murdered his family and that's why he lies and says they live in the area but it's also why you've never met them. And he probably isn't really a lawyer and doesn't want you to know he lives in a cardboard box in an alleyway because that's all he can afford but wants you to think he's busy and that's why he never hangs out.
OR he lives with his parents. And how old are you, like 30? Yeah, if a guy still lives with mom and dad when he's 30 then you've got problems. Which would also go back to the fact that he's not really a lawyer because otherwise he would be able to afford to move out.
I would tell you to dump him, but you've clearly wised up. Keep him dumped, but going with my gut feeling that the serial killer theory is the correct one, I'd advise moving. I'd also get an alarm system for your windows and doors and maybe some Rottweilers to guard your house because soon enough he's going to realize you wrote this letter to Amy but I decided to respond instead and that I am right about the serial killer thing so he'll kill you and possibly me too so nobody finds out.
Also, I would advise you not to date again. You clearly suck at it.
If anybody else would like to send me their letters and have me solve their life problems for them, I'm clearly very good at it. Letters can go to: email@example.com
Mom said she wouldn't be ready for an hour and a half, so being awake and all, I decided it would be a good idea to cook breakfast! Now I've really never learned to cook before in my life, and, being as in approximately 9 days I will be living by myself in an apartment with no one to cook for me, I've taken it upon myself this summer to learn. One thing I enjoy eating are breakfast scrambles, so I decide to make one.
Last time I attempted one, I didn't cook the potatoes enough, so they turned out cold and crunchy and awkward-tasting. So I was sure to thoroughly cook the potatoes and onions before adding the eggs and other vegetables that need less cooking.
I chopped up other vegetables that I thought would go well - one in particular was a red bell pepper that was in a bag of vegetables my aunt had brought over from her garden. I picked out all the seeds and chopped it up and when it was time to add it in, dumped it in with the eggs and whatnot and finished the scramble.
As everything was finally getting cooked, I felt a slight burning sensation on my lip. Suddenly, it spread, so I itched my face thinking it was just an itch but then my cheeks started burning, so I tried to wipe it away and before I knew it my face was on fire. When I say on fire, I don't mean normal just-spent-too-much-time-in-the-sun-and-now-I'm-a-lobster fire, I mean I thought I was going to die. I tried to suck it up and just eat the scramble I'd worked so hard on, but it progressively got worse. When I took a bite of the bell pepper I had put in, I realized that it wasn't a bell pepper- it was a chili pepper (most likely a product of Satan).
This is what it felt like:
We let her so we wouldn't have to deal with her if she was locked up in the van.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
- Waschcahbihola Avenue
- Rauaschaizo Street
- Lacheezeahopp Way
Jackass Hill Road in Littleton, Colorado. Thank you, MapQuest, for censoring it for me. I am very offended by the term Jackass and can't believe someone named a street that in the great state of Colorado! Ughh.
Stoner Avenue in Los Angeles, California. Hey, I think we've all figured out California's a pretty, um, green state anyway.
And the grand finale, the intersection of Cuming and 69th in Omaha, Nebraska. Damn those Nebraskans, they're so horny they can't even keep it off the streets!