Ask Adrienne!

I randomly googled "Ask..." and came up with an Ask Amy column out of the Chicago Tribune. I decided since I am slightly more qualified than Dr. Phil in solving people's life problems, I would pull an intriguing recent letter she received and, without reading her response, write one for myself. So I found this one:

Dear Amy:
I have been dating the same man for almost two years.
I have two jobs that I work Monday-Friday so my only free time is on the weekends or a few hours after my last job ends.
I have never met his family (even though they live in the same metro area). I've never been invited to any family functions or to join him after I get off work if he is out with his friends.
He will not tell me where he lives and has only stayed overnight at my apartment a handful of times.
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We have never been on a real date but rather we always meet at a designated place.
I have teased him about having a wife and his comment to me is that I must think very poorly of him if I think he would cheat on a spouse.
He tells me he loves me often.
I am not a young, naive woman!
I know that he is hiding something and it's just driving me crazy to know the real story! I have finally given him the boot and am sticking to my guns about taking him back for the millionth time!
How do I get him to fess up?
He's an attorney so he is very good at evading questions and chooses his words carefully. I could never win an argument with him and never even tried — it wasn't worth the frustration!
— Wants to Know


Here is my response:

Dear Wants to Know,

You suck. Seriously, you put up with this bullshit for two years? It really doesn't sound like you're dating at all. Normal couples tell each other where they live and do things like go on dates. I'm pretty sure the progression of relationships are 1) date 2) relationship. If you've never gone on a date, you're not in a relationship.

He probably does have a wife. He probably has like 7 kids too and his wife's probably smokin' hot with gigantic boobs and plastic surgeried face (if he's a lawyer he probably can afford that shit). If he's banging you (probably all he wants, sorry toots) then she's probably prude and he needs his fix of sex.

There's also the other option that he doesn't have a family but is ashamed because he's really a serial killer and murdered his family and that's why he lies and says they live in the area but it's also why you've never met them. And he probably isn't really a lawyer and doesn't want you to know he lives in a cardboard box in an alleyway because that's all he can afford but wants you to think he's busy and that's why he never hangs out.

OR he lives with his parents. And how old are you, like 30? Yeah, if a guy still lives with mom and dad when he's 30 then you've got problems. Which would also go back to the fact that he's not really a lawyer because otherwise he would be able to afford to move out.

I would tell you to dump him, but you've clearly wised up. Keep him dumped, but going with my gut feeling that the serial killer theory is the correct one, I'd advise moving. I'd also get an alarm system for your windows and doors and maybe some Rottweilers to guard your house because soon enough he's going to realize you wrote this letter to Amy but I decided to respond instead and that I am right about the serial killer thing so he'll kill you and possibly me too so nobody finds out.

Also, I would advise you not to date again. You clearly suck at it.

Love,
Adrienne


If anybody else would like to send me their letters and have me solve their life problems for them, I'm clearly very good at it. Letters can go to: wildchild113@gmail.com