Crazy Lesbian Hobo Lady

Last fall, I spent a semester in Berlin. The first couple weeks I was there, when the schooling was easy and everything was a new, fascinating adventure, I spent a lot of time getting to know other Americans on my program. One afternoon, I made friends with this chick named Ivona.

That's me and Ivona. Anyway, one afternoon after our language intensive courses, we decided to wander the streets of Berlin, stopping at various hole-in-the-wall bars to have a cocktail or three before moving on to another bar, and eventually we were meandering in and out of stores drunk as fish and having a good ole time. (Warning: drunk shopping? Not such a good idea. But that's a different story).

After some drunk shopping, we got a cheap bottle of vodka from a street kiosk, sat ourselves in a park and drank it pirate style while the sun went down. That's because in Europe, you can do things like that, drink on the streets without being judged before its even dark out.

After the vodka was about gone, we got dinner which Dönerkepbabs for dinner, which are basically the Turkish burrito and sold for 2-3 Euros on every corner in every major city in Europe. So basically like T-bell. Döner shops are also open all night, so they're the perfect 3 a.m. snack (even though this particular night we were drunk by 8 p.m.).

We ate our döners on a short wall built on the ledge of a pond in a park near my apartment in Mitte. The pond was man made, and built more for the ducks and eye candy rather than for anything to live or swim in it. We got in a conversation about how deep the pond was and I began to get curious, and declared that it would be a good idea to test it out. Before I knew it, I was swimming in my bra and underware and my new friend Ivona thought I was crazy.

I only waded out into the dirty, cigarette-butt infested waste-deep water for a few seconds before I realized what a dumbass I looked like and jumped out. As I was pulling my clothes back on (as quickly as my drunken self would let me), a woman came up to us and began speaking German. At first, I didn't really notice that she looked like this:

Her raggity clothes suggested she was homeless, her hair hadn't been brushed in so long she looked like she had a sloppy dread job done, and she had a rather flirtatious demeanor. Now I am a very oblivious person. I didn't notice she was hitting on me. Finally, Ivona tells her that we had to get up early the next morning and therefore had to go home.


I hastily agreed, leaving Ivona and the crazy-lesbian-hobo-lady standing by the pond as fast as she had suggested I leave.

The next day, Ivona and I were chatting about this incident and she informed me that she had suggested we leave because the lady was really starting to creep on me. Like one of those old crazy men who sit in the corner of notorious underage bars and drool over the slutty underage drunk girls and occasionally try to unsuccessfully pick one up. Only I was being friendly, so this crazy-lesbian-hobo-lady probably thought she was succeeding.


Ivona also told me that the crazy-lesbian-hobo-lady tried to follow me home as I was leaving, but Ivona followed shortly behind to ensure that I got home safely and rape-free.


Oh the things that happen when you drink in Europe.